Snooki's new book: I read it so you don't have to!

Confessions-Snooki

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi took advantage of her Jersey Shore fame by publishing a novel earlier this year. Now, she’s back on the book shelves again with her follow-up, Confessions of a Guidette. It’s part memoir/part guide on, you know, how to be your very own guidette. For example: Your hair should make you six inches taller…. (How do you think I get on roller coasters? That, and wedges.)” And my personal favorite, a guidette must own hoop earrings. “And they have to be big enough to fit a Red Bull through.” The more you know, people. I read Confessions of a Guidette so you don’t have to, and here are the friggin highlights:

  • “Friggin.” That’s the one word you can take away from this book. Snooki loves that word. So much so, that she used it 75 times in just nine chapters. (Yes, I counted.) Her other faves: “fricken” used 23 times; “freakin” used 15 times; and “frig” coming in last with only four uses.
  • The book is dedicated to her cats for being the “best cats, best friends ever.” Later, she threatens those who bad mouth her cats. “Don’t talk s–t about my cat; I’ll go squirrel monkey on your ass.” Does anyone know what this means?
  • “Being a guidette has nothing to do with ethnicity.” Snooki was adopted when she was 6 months old. She’s Chilean.
  • This quote: “If I could strap my bed to my ass and take it everywhere, I would.”
  • Her beauty tip—the kitty litter facial: Use clean litter, mix it with hot water, and apply it for 10 minutes.
  • Fun Snooki fact: She used to collect rocks
  • Before her Jersey Shore days, she was on MTV’s Is She Really Going Out With Him?
  • Brace yourself: She thinks Jersey Shore could go on for a really long time. “I think we could all keep doing it till we’re ninety. Or until our livers give out.”
  • A Snooki recipe, The Pickletini (it’s her own creation): 1 part vodka, 1/2 part pickle juice from a jar of pickles
  • Guido juiceheads and gorilla juiceheads are two different things. Guido = guy who’s into his tan, hair, style, and dancing to house music. Gorilla = a man who’s more into the gym, tanning, his muscles, and himself. And apes are gorillas over 30.
  • This quote: “I want my relationship to be just like Titanic, Avatar, and Just Married.”
  • One of Snooki’s goals is to act in comedies because “I’m a really good actor.” Her only caveat? “I don’t want to remember lines.”

And there you have it, folks. Will you give Confessions a chance? A do you think Snooki should stay away from writing books?

Read More:
We’ve read Snooki’s book: The most (and least) surprising things about ‘A Shore Thing’
Book Review: ‘A Shore Thing’
Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’ to write a novel

Comments (97 total) Add your comment
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  • JLC

    Read it? I thought it was all pictures.

  • Mike

    I didn’t know somebody could get herpes just by reading an article. You learn new things every day!

    • abadstroller

      Not enough Purell in the world for this….

    • jj

      shame on EW for even reviewing this book. shame on anyone who helps put money in this girl’s pockets. seriously i am ashamed for even giving her attention by posting on this board.

  • Torilynn

    It amazes me that the world has chosen characters like Snooki as today’s “stars”. No wonder our country, and the world as a whole, is going down the tubes!!

    • chris

      You do mean the world as in the US?
      Keep us others out of it.

      • Ana

        It’s not just the US. The Brits have Katie Price and probably some others I don’t know about. Oh and Snooki is not a “star. ” A star actually has to have some talent for something. She’s a celebrity.

    • Your Name

      I agree Torilynn and Ana. I don’t understand why people want to watch no talent ass clowns as entertainment.

  • ERNIE CAPSLOCK

    I CAN’T WAIT TO READ HER SELF-HELP BOOK ABOUT LIVING WITH EVERY STD KNOWN TO MANKIND.

  • Amber

    *Nods Head* *Loads Gun* *Shoots brains out*

    • Joe

      lol best comment

      • jj

        agreed

  • Farmer Graham

    Nice Photoshop/cut-pasting job on the head and body.

    • jj

      she doesn’t look very good even with photoshopping. and i’m not one to just diss people on their looks. i think her personality, lascivious lifestyle, and unfathomable sense of entitlement make her look more unattractive than she has to be. well, that, the spray tan and the kim kardashian three layer cake makeup.

  • Stacie

    I am sorry you had to read this book.

    • orville

      She should totally get hazard pay for that assignment. Or at least some free antibiotics.

      • Gee

        It probably took all of 5 minutes.

    • Liv

      Seriously. I had to click on the link just to see what was in this thing. I didn’t know Snooki could write.

      • Clete

        I’m surprised she know how to read.

  • Gee

    She should come out with a coloring-book next time.
    You would only need an orange and black crayon.

    • erf

      LMAO!

    • CatBoreal

      Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

      ROFL!

  • heej

    · Brawndo has what plants need

    • Kelly

      Crave

  • Hali

    I LOL’ed when I read that she wants to be an actor but doesn’t want to remember lines… that’s only one of the most important parts of the job lol.

  • Vicky

    That book cover is trash-tastic.

  • Ben

    This book should be shipped directly to The Dollar Store/Salvation Army/Goodwill. I don’t want to know what Amazon.com is charging for it, and who would pay full price for the book.

    • @Ben

      I think the government SHOULD know who either paid full price or even paid for it all and keep tabs on them.

      • erf

        ITA!

      • Bob

        I just hope the publisher doesn’t pull an O’Reilly and ship the remainders to the troops.

        “We’re fighting for WHAT!?!?!?!?”

  • Dee

    She’s hilarious. I probably wouldn’t buy the book, but I would skim it while at a bookstore. I think she has better comedic creativity than people give her credit for.

    • jeff

      I think you’re giving her too much credit.

      • Dee

        I think you’re a bit of a sheep

      • jj

        no, dee, YOU are. for buying into the “i’m gonna act like an idiot, get drunk, have random unprotected sex and get paid for it” hype of her and any of the other jersey shore people . trust me, if being a drunk dumbass equates comic chops, then you can go to pretty much any bar in america and get a free show. no need to make millionaires out of this particular crew.

      • Dee

        @jj I find Jersey Shore to be obnoxious and, quite frankly, kind of boring. There are legitimate moments when Snooki had made me laugh, though. Not afraid to admit it.

        The only people I’m giving too much credit to are the readers of EW, who I thought would be above the groupthink bashing. Definitely gave you guys too much credit.

  • Lowe

    Haha got to give this one a read!

    • neen

      shame shame shame on you.

  • LOL

    America loves crap.

    • abadstroller

      For once, you may be right…at least about THIS.

    • Me

      And what if we love trash? We’re still one of the richest countries in the world. We can afford to read trash.

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