Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi took advantage of her Jersey Shore fame by publishing a novel earlier this year. Now, she’s back on the book shelves again with her follow-up, Confessions of a Guidette. It’s part memoir/part guide on, you know, how to be your very own guidette. For example: Your hair should make you six inches taller…. (How do you think I get on roller coasters? That, and wedges.)” And my personal favorite, a guidette must own hoop earrings. “And they have to be big enough to fit a Red Bull through.” The more you know, people. I read Confessions of a Guidette so you don’t have to, and here are the friggin highlights:
- “Friggin.” That’s the one word you can take away from this book. Snooki loves that word. So much so, that she used it 75 times in just nine chapters. (Yes, I counted.) Her other faves: “fricken” used 23 times; “freakin” used 15 times; and “frig” coming in last with only four uses.
- The book is dedicated to her cats for being the “best cats, best friends ever.” Later, she threatens those who bad mouth her cats. “Don’t talk s–t about my cat; I’ll go squirrel monkey on your ass.” Does anyone know what this means?
- “Being a guidette has nothing to do with ethnicity.” Snooki was adopted when she was 6 months old. She’s Chilean.
- This quote: “If I could strap my bed to my ass and take it everywhere, I would.”
- Her beauty tip—the kitty litter facial: Use clean litter, mix it with hot water, and apply it for 10 minutes.
- Fun Snooki fact: She used to collect rocks
- Before her Jersey Shore days, she was on MTV’s Is She Really Going Out With Him?
- Brace yourself: She thinks Jersey Shore could go on for a really long time. “I think we could all keep doing it till we’re ninety. Or until our livers give out.”
- A Snooki recipe, The Pickletini (it’s her own creation): 1 part vodka, 1/2 part pickle juice from a jar of pickles
- Guido juiceheads and gorilla juiceheads are two different things. Guido = guy who’s into his tan, hair, style, and dancing to house music. Gorilla = a man who’s more into the gym, tanning, his muscles, and himself. And apes are gorillas over 30.
- This quote: “I want my relationship to be just like Titanic, Avatar, and Just Married.”
- One of Snooki’s goals is to act in comedies because “I’m a really good actor.” Her only caveat? “I don’t want to remember lines.”
And there you have it, folks. Will you give Confessions a chance? A do you think Snooki should stay away from writing books?