The main thing this made-up event has over LeBron’s return to Cleveland? Commentator Rita Skeeter, who’s on hand less to report on the made-up facts (that’s Quidditch correspondent Ginny Potter-née-Weasley’s job) than to deliver some juicy, made-up gossip about the main characters in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series. (The best part: All the snark comes directly from Rowling’s own quill.)
Please feast your eyes on the notorious gossip hound’s most hilariously nasty one-liners, reprinted below. (The best one: Is Neville Longbottom day-drunk?!) As the “game” is ongoing, we’ll update this post whenever Rita spews something especially heinous. (Update: It’s all over! Click through for the best of the best.) And for the full effect, please press “play” before reading.