Snooki's new novel 'Gorilla Beach': I read it so you don't have to!

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Mommy-to-be and Jersey Shore starlet Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is at it again. Today her third(!) book, Gorilla Beach, hits shelves. Simultaneously, a part of me died because this is her third book. Beach is a follow-up to her first novel A Shore Thing, written with the help of ghostwriter Valerie Frankel. Confessions of a non-guidette: I didn’t read A Shore Thing, but the EW review pretty much covered the basics. Gia and her cousin Bella take Seaside Heights by storm, consume large amounts of alcohol, and shenanigans ensue.

In Gorilla Beach, the girls return to Seaside Heights only to run into some bad luck. So what do they do? Flee to Atlantic City, of course! Joining Gia and Bella on their AC adventure is a new character, Fredo. Together, they manage to win $60,000 at the roulette table. Meanwhile, Gia meets Arthur Ponzirelli, a.k.a. Ponzi. And guess what? He’s a professional con man who scams Gia and her friends out of their prize money. (I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up.)

If Gorilla Beach happens to be on your to-read list, then I won’t spoil the ending. (Will they get their money back from the Ponzi schemer named Ponzi? Will they meet their own gorillas at Gorilla Beach? Read to find out!) But if you plan on skipping Snooki’s camp-fest part two, at least you can enjoy some of the more interesting lines/and tidbits from the book.

++ Snooki dedicated to book to her baby daddy, Jionni. “…you’re my Number One Gorillah. You’re my husband and I love you, Pewp!” So now he’s her husband? Is there something you’re not telling us, Snooks?

++ Her pets get a special acknowledgement: “Special shout-out to Rocky the cat who lost a leg this year, and can still jump on the bed.” Inspiration at its finest.

++ This sentence: “Gia and Joe were as tight as a sausage casing.”

++ And this one: “Gia’s mood was like an old man’s balls—swinging out of control.”

++ Gia calls the Heimlich maneuver the “Heinielick” maneuver, and I’m pretty confident that’s a very different thing.

++ One of the characters, Will, does caricatures in Atlantic City. Bella sees a cartoon of a girl “with big eyes, a huge pouf, caterpillars for eyelashes, a cocktail in one hand, and a can of hair spray in the other.” Bella asks who it is and Will responds with “Snooki from Jersey Shore.” Worlds colliding!

++ Gia believes she has ESP—although she calls it “STD” in one of her many malapropisms—and that’s what allows her friends win big at the casino. So keeping up with that theme, she tries to telepathically communicate with two pygmy alligators.

++ Bella and Gia are the victims of an attempted mugging, and the items the mugger most wants is their weaves: “I can sell the hair for more than your trashy dresses.”

++ The “Friggin” count: When I read Confessions of a Guidette, I was fascinated with the number of times Snooki used “friggin” or some form of that word. So here’s the official count: “Friggin” was in the lead with 47 uses; “Freakin” came in second with 42; “Frickin” was third with 10 uses; And brining up the end of our list is “freaking” (only 2 uses), and “friging” used just once.

Breia on Twitter

Read More:
‘A Shore Thing': Review
We’ve read Snooki’s book: The most (and least) surprising things about ‘A Shore Thing’
Snooki’s new book: I read it so you don’t have to!

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