EW exclusive: God the Almighty dishes on his new memoir, Twitter page, and Justin Bieber

cosmosImage Credit: Mehau Kulyk/SPL/Getty ImagesSometimes as an entertainment journalist, you’ll get a great interview assignment, whether it’s Matt Damon or Michael Caine, but rarely are you offered a one-on-one with a figure so prestigious, so well-known, and with such staying power as I was recently. In order to promote His upcoming memoir from Simon & Schuster, as well as His recently launched Twitter page, the big cheese Himself, God, deigned to speak from the heavens directly into the ear of this humble servant of Time, Inc. (All right, he may have had some help from former executive producer of The Daily Show David Javerbaum.) Like many in my field, I’ve interviewed aliens before, but this is a totally different deal. Read our entire sacrilicious exchange below.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Why a memoir, and why now?
GOD
: Lo, I grew weary of being misinterpreted, and blasphemed, and relegated to sneeze detail; and I longed to telleth all; and it was a matter of urgency, for on April 23, 2013, I shall bring about on Earth an event of such cataclysmic… well, ye will have to read the book.

Nice tease. And what other topics will Thee be addressing?
My topics shall include: The secret history of Adam and Steve; what it was like working with Moses, St. Peter, Mohammed, and other legends of the field; which sports teams I truly root for (hint: Go Blue Jackets!); and, because I can see everyone at all times, I will have much to offer by way of celebrity gossip. It will be in a section that I will call “God-sip”! Getteth it?

Yes.
Like “gossip,” but with “God”?

It’s very clever.
I make this covenant with ye, Keith: This will be a juicier book of revelations than any since The Book of Revelation.

Literarily speaking, who are your influences?
Aesop, The Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen, and James Frey.

You’ve recently launched your own Twitter account. Is it hard having the Word of God constricted to 140 characters?
At first, for the keyboard of My original smartphone came in cuneiform, emitting My wisdom in units of 140 wedges, which even by My standards, was a little too cryptic.

If You had the technology back in the day, would You have just tweeted the Commandments?
If I had the technology back in the day, I would have tweeted Creation. Six tweets and done. Then on the seventh, I’d’ve… I knoweth not. Twitvidded Dramatic Chipmunk, maybe.

Who is more powerful, You or Twitter’s Fail Whale?
Ask Jonah.

What are Your thoughts on Justin Bieber, the only person You follow?
OMB I totally totally love the Bieb! He is awesome! BTW, his new song “Pray”? He wrote it 4 Me! How cool is that?!? #purpleglasses

Speaking of music, whenever someone wins a Grammy, they seem to thank You.
I know; it is most troubling. Members of the music industry praising God is like unto members of the Mafia praising policemen.

Have You considered signing up for a Facebook page?
No. I refuseth to join Facebook. I have privacy concerns.

Finally, any regrets?
Sitting down to converse with thee! [Laughs, causing earthquake that kills 80,000 people.] No, I kid.

Comments (98 total) Add your comment
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  • DJ Jesus

    It’s not a miracle, it’s a nearacle. Like escapeoke.

    • Amanda Kiwinerd

      There is no God. Christians have killed him.

      • Satan

        Then who keeps sending me Chia pets for Christmas?

      • hotlover

        SAdly,at here ,i just want to tell u .im not spamer..but its a real nice place ..where amazing happen,,many nice singles get his (her) real love from here ..sure me too ,,,now i just hope everyone happy,,so share u this place.like my name,((,se’ek wea lthy.c’om))..im sure u will like it ..because of its real a nice place fo ru meet a hot ,army,boss.we althy and so on..and ite F’R’E’E’..wet~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~esyd

      • the Devil’s Advocate

        Your reply has nothing to do with DJ Jesus or Lucy, the daughter of the Devil. I hope Amanda Kinwinerd dies and visits Satan and me… and the interns at Tequilla Sally’s.

    • Auth

      Definitely believe that which you steatd. Your favorite reason appeared to be on the net the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I certainly get irked while people think about worries that they just don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

  • Satan

    OMG, you are SUCH a famewhore, YHWH. By the way, I totally won that bet with Job.

    • Hey Seuss

      What does “YHWH” mean?

      • Gabriel

        YHWH us the name of the christian and Jewish god. And no way you won, Satan. God totally kicked your butt on that one.

      • Nurse Love

        I got the Beiber fever and SwedenDatingSite was Arousing and Pleasurable

    • ZEUS

      This is why gods should never have interviews…Hades tried that, and look what happend to him

  • Hmmph

    This is deeply offensive. Lord know we wouldn’t hear the end of it something in the same vain was done to the other Messiah—Barack HUSSEIN Obama.

    • Satan

      Why do people always have to be so political?

    • Abbey

      I’m Catholic, and it’s comments like these that give Christians in general a bad rep. Take a joke.

    • Jesse

      Actually, Hmmph, what’s deeply offensive is your complete IGNORANCE. Just because two people share a name doesn’t mean they’re anything like. Because Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, and Ted Bundy were serial killer, are we condemning all Jeffreys, Johns, and Teds? No. Because people with brains know better.

      • Jesse

        *anything ALIKE, rather.

      • Jesse

        And *serial killerS. Sigh.

    • Gabriel

      First of all, since when has obama been the messiah? Are we thinking of the same obama? Prez of the USA? I don’t think he ever claimed that.

      Second, if God is so offended by this, why doesn’t he do something about it? Couldn’t he easily yell “please stop it”?

      Or he could easily kill the author of the book. He apparently had no problem with merciless slaughter in the bible.

      Let God, the creator of the universe, if he even exists, defend himself.

      • nunya

        Ok, care to draw a characture of Mohammed and comment on him in a negative light? Did’nt think so. Thats some conviction. You are a hateful person. Period.

  • Lisa Simpson

    Why God are Muslims such f’ed up people and why are you called racist if you say so. I mean there is so much evidence that points to the fact that Islam is really the religion of the Devil. But then again the Pope himself is really the Anti-christ considering all his teachings and lifestyle contradict all of Christ teachings.
    However if you depict Jesus in a distasteful way, people tend to be forgiving, ala the teaching of Christ. And yet if Mohammed is portrayed at all, the terrosits blow up sh!t and kill innocent people all in the name of Allah.

    • Satan

      I love this! And this why you humans will ultimately destroy each other. I’d rub my hands with glee if I weren’t, you know, I metaphysical being and stuff.

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    • Lisa Simpson

      FYI – I’m the Lisa Simpson who regularly posts here, and I didn’t write this^.

      • qwerty

        You’re gonna wanna change your name if you read some of the other comments left by your sock puppet.

      • Lisa Simpson

        Ugh. I suspect it’s Larry David (not the real one) doing this. Anyway, if you see any racist, homophobic, intolerant, moronic rants, they’re not mine.

      • Satan

        This is why I love the Internet. Larry David and Lisa Simpson’s Bitter Feud is so full of fun-filled fail. It’s like manna from heaven.

      • qwerty

        Consider it a complement. All the best commenters here get mimicked once they develop a strong reputation. I call it “Crispy’s Law.” RIP Crispy

      • Lisa

        No I am the real Lisa Simpson and I did write that. Islam is lame

      • Rolo Tomasi

        I have made it my mission to use the names of those I despise the soil their name, so Lisa Simpson and Larry David you will often see things posted using your name that you did not post. The point is to make you obsolete, as your comments are always ignorant and vile.

      • Rolo Tomasi

        I have made it my mission to use the names of those I despise the soil their name, so Lisa Simpson and Larry David you will often see things posted using your name that you did not post. The point is to make you obsolete, as your comments are always ignorant and vile. Even Rolo Tomasi lost the free will of his handle

      • Bender

        Fake Rolo, I get why you’d despise Larry David, but why Lisa Simpson?
        Maybe the better question is, why am I even bothering to ask you?

      • Rolo Tomasi

        Exactly Bender why bother at all?

      • Prunella Von Schleidlhaagen

        I didn’t think it was you. They should really make it so you can’t duplicate usernames.

      • Prunella Von Schleidlhaagen

        I’m the real Prunella Von Schleidlhaagen and I don’t at all agree with the above.

    • Allison

      Don’t have a cow Lisa!

      • Lisa Simpson

        LOL.

    • Jesse

      Well, fake Lisa Simpson, it’s like this: Not all Muslims are bad people. Assuming that is the same as someone assuming all posters to public forums are bad people by reading your pointlessly hate-filled rants.

      • Jesse

        Well fake Jesse, I wish you wouldn’t use my name to post your comments. It is just not fair

  • Rolo Tomasi

    Kanye West is a monkey why is that censored. you can call him a d bag and yet that is okay

  • Larry David

    Thanks to Obama, America is now the land of cowards too afraid to speak out against the insanity of Islam. That’s what happens when we elect a man with the middle name of Hussain.

    • Satan

      You are so smart, you should totally run for office or something. By the way, loved the birthday card. >:)

  • BlackIrish4094

    Wow this so friggin sacrilegious. Wonder how some of the other religions would have taken this?

    • Lisa Simpson

      What “other” religions? If you believe that this is satirizing Christianity, then I think you missed not only the point, but need to brush up on your religions. Christianity, Judaism, and Islam all worship the same God, even if they use different terminology.

      • Lisa Simpson

        But then again on second thought the God of Islam is the Devil, and my God, the Christian one is the correct one. F U Allah

  • khrystyne

    I think God would know that the name of the Book is Revelation, not Revelations. Just sayin’…

    • Satan

      I don’t know why the went with “Revelation” in the first place. When we were in the editing room, I totally suggested “Muddled Quasi-Prophecies That Make No Sense And Should Probably Be Ignored”, but I was outvoted. I hate publishing by committee.

      • Lisa Simpson

        Your comments are funny, even though I do suspect that it is really Larry David writing under the name of Satan.

      • Satan

        As IF. Larry David WISHES he had my rapier wit. Besides, he’s a buzzkill, and I’m SO not.

    • Ok

      Why? Maybe God doesn’t read fiction.

  • Rolo Tomasi

    Hey this is the real Rolo Tomasi, and my handle has been stolen too. What will we do about this Lisa Simpson?

  • Lisa Simpson

    OK I give up. If you see anything posted ever again by a Lisa Simpson, it will not be me. I will think of another name, but in the mean time if you ever see anything ever posted by Lisa Simpson it will no longer be me. Alas!

  • qwerty

    Like I said Lisa, it is for the best. RIP Lisa Simpson

    • Lisa Simpson

      I had a good run. WHat animated character’s name shall I take up as my moniker now?

      • Karate Pants

        How about Daria?
        RIP Lisa Simpson. RIP crispy. RIP Ambient Lite. RIP Ceballos.

      • Lisa Simpson

        That’s a good suggestion, Karate Pants, but I think I should keep it a secret. You’ll know me by my undying love for Don Draper, Shirtless Sawyer (RIP), and Annie Barrett’s recaps.

      • Rolo Tomasi

        Whatever the new name is don’t announce it or Larry David will destroy that one too

      • xgirl

        what happened to ceballos? who is he now? he made me laugh…. :(

      • Larry David

        bye Lisa Simpson, it was good to know you and to know I destroyed you!

      • ceballos

        I am still here xgirl, in my parents basement wishing I was as witty as Larry David

      • Larry David

        I am the devil. I ruin others because I hate myself.

      • Larry David

        That’s not me posting that I hate myself, that’s not fair. I think I’ll have a good cry now

      • Larry David

        And then I’ll collect my tears in a jar and drink them later. Because I’m nasty.

      • Larry David

        The only reason I spew my hate-filled rants on this site is because I’m a lonely, self-loathing jerk. I want to believe there is no higher power judging me because if there was, they would see me as the vile disgusting creature I really am, and I couldn’t just hide from the world and tap mean things away on the keyboard.

      • Satan

        You could go with “Not Lisa Simpson” or “Yeardley Smith’s Alter Ego”. Possibly “Curb Your Narcissism”? All solid choices, I think. :)

      • Larry David

        I would be forced to come to terms with who I really am, and how ugly I really am, which is impossible for me to comprehend. I am horrible.

      • Satan

        (And let the record show that Larry David WISHES he was the devil. I have the prayer transcripts to prove it. I have access to them because I know people in H-town. The other H-town, I mean.)

      • Not Sayin!

        I truly don’t know why I bother with this site anymore. The trolls have taken over. EW needs to step up and get a real commenting system so losers like Larry David get weeded out.

      • Ok

        How about diarrhea, since you do tend to run on.

  • melissa

    Am I the only one who thinks this isn’t funny? And not because its offensive from a religious standpoint. It’s just not entertaining. Before you haters comment, yeah, I personally am religious but I love a good satire. There are some screwed up religious nuts out there and a clever satire or good joke can be hilarious. This is not only mostly unfunny, its boring and relies too much on King James language rather than a clever joke.

    • A Nonny Mouse

      I think that’s part of the satire. The KJV may be good poetry, but it’s a lousy translation. By using the language from that translation, the author is poking fun at it, and I’m sure he plans to be just as accurate.

      • Satan

        I remember King James. Man was he boring. His nickname at the head office was “King Halitosis”.

  • Elizabeth

    This grieves me. I’m all for a good joke, but this goes too far. Show a little respect, EW — at least at this time of year.

  • Larry David

    Don’t get your panties in a wad Elizabeth. Your sensitivity only exposes your weak logical nature.

  • melissa

    Yeah I am an uptight b!tch too but at least I can take a joke, even if it isn’t funny

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