Prepare ye for the words of God. Simon & Schuster announced today that they have secured the rights to a new tell-all memoir by the Almighty Creator, who has also previously written under the noms de plume “Allah,” “Yahweh,” and, until a recent legal tangle with fellow author Stephen King, “King of Kings.” According to a surprisingly funny press release, “God is represented by a burning bush, the Greek letters a and ‡, and, in this case, the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency, the same agency that represents David Javerbaum.” Presumably this Javerbaum fellow, who is the head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show, will be serving in some function as the prime mover’s amanuensis.
Simon & Schuster’s Executive Vice President and Publisher Jonathan Karp told EW they were ecstatic to get the exclusive with such a high-profile author. “We feel like we are the Chosen Publisher,” says Karp. “A lot of writers are creative, but this writer is really creative. And we think He can produce the manuscript quickly: More than seven days, but less than a year.” Despite the publishing house’s best efforts, He retained the movie rights, but they did get Him to sign on for a nationwide book tour. The Supreme Being already has quite a literary reputation to live up to: His book The Bible spent 32 weeks on the New York Times bestseller chart and was shortlisted for the Pulitzer Prize. The as-yet-untitled memoir is set to release in late 2011.
God is dead. I have killed him.
I read His last book.
Wasn’t impressed. It definitely needed an editor to fix all the contradictions.
Obviously, reading and comprehending are not your strong suits.
lol good one rock golf…I don’t think Howard gets it. He’s talking about the Bible man.
so true my friend!
Howard in heaven gets it, twice. you didn’t get it once.
1. The contradictions are in you, not the Bible.
2. How art in Heaven
My friend lost his wife and 3 children to the Indonesian tsunami. His youngest son was 3 months old. I wonder what kind of hateful crime he ever committed…
Ur rite Howard. My reading and comprehention sucks infinitely.
GOD
Which one is your favorite contradiction?
Thou shalt not kill…followed by all the exceptions. Death for working on the sabbath? Really?
I read the bible once. Not bad for a work of fiction.
Rock Golf is right, there is no trouble with his reading comprehension, just with his apparent lack of ability to believe impossible, obviously false assertions for no reason. Shame on him, eh?
I have to take issue with one thing, though, Mr. Golf. The last book, (the “Bible”, as if there’s only one, right?) HAD editors. Lots of them. Even if there were a single shred of accuracy, historical truth, rather than fever-dream, possibly shroom-based fantasy in it, it would have been lost eons ago, as various people on the same fungus, or moldy bread, or whatever, decided what did or didn’t belong, claiming the same authority, all based on a lie concocted during a pissing contest between an old, dead, Egyptian king, and his priests.
A nevertheless hilarious book, though, hope the new one is as full of murder, incest, rape, wanton stupidity, ritual sacrifice and cannibalism, and is just as funny as his last one.
Did you read the part where they nailed a guy to a tree, he dies, and then COMES BACK TO LIFE?!? HILARIOUS!!! I couldn’t stop laughing. Then it gets better, the dude, usually described as weighing like, 85 lbs, he’s barely able to lift a couple pieces of wood, and then… he rolls a multi-ton boulder away from where he was imprisoned without food or water, for three days, all by himself, escaping to go rejoin his loser buddies.
I can’t wait to read the nonsense he comes up with this time!
All I can say here is the ignorance of those speaking against God and the Christ is absolutely incredible.
And to Jack who wrote, “Thou shalt not kill…followed by all the exceptions. Death for working on the sabbath?”. Sorry, but there is zero reference to that, especially within the Ten Commandments.
It just goes to show, majority of those here simply skim the Bible or take it for face value rather than dig into it to see the exact meanings.
Agreed. God is dead, and the bible is a load of hogwash.
“Our Father, who art in heaven: Howard be thy name.”
Clearly, Howard is God’s username, and He’s touchy about criticism of his first book.
@ JPopNC… Ignorant? I think not.
Exodus 31:15 states, “For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death.”
Just who would seem to be ignorant of the contents of the Bible?
jPopNC:
Oh the irony that you say this about those that “skim the Bible” and, yet, you say there is “zero reference” to death on the Sabbath. Guess you didn’t get all the way through Exodus. Exodus 31:15 doesn’t even hint around. It blatantly says anyone that works on the Sabbath should be put to death. Brainwash gives people confidence to speak with authority on that which they never even read.
Excuse me. Correction. That was to read “death FOR WORKING on the Sabbath”.
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@@@@@ will be serving in some function as the prime mover’s amanuensis.
@JPopNC: I quote: “And to Jack who wrote, “Thou shalt not kill…followed by all the exceptions. Death for working on the sabbath?”. Sorry, but there is zero reference to that, especially within the Ten Commandments.”
Commandment 1: Thou shalt not kill.
Commandment 8: Honor the sabath and keep it holy.
The common punishment for “desecration” (e.g. violating the holy day of rest by working) was death. You need to read the Bible again.
@WayneDawg: The “exceptions” I like most are it seems that God himself can violate his own commandments and therefor is in reality saying “Do as I say, not as I do.” If you need proof of this read the book of Exodus again. The Bible is full of contradictions.
But let us not forget that the ten Commandments are now obsolete due to the birth of the Christ. Now the commandments are “Do unto others as you would unto yourself” and “Never fight back and defend yourself.” Meanwhile he turns around and says “I’m going to fight back and kill every person who ever speaks out against me, and not just kill them but damn them to eternal pain and suffering. Because I am God and I can. Ha!” If he were to follow his own comandments he’d be condemning himself to an eternal torment of pain and suffering, after the suicide.
How is that for a contradiction?
you certainly did NOT read his LAST book because his LAST book was The Majestic Qur’an and based on the etiquette of your remarks, you’re certainly ignorant of its realities. Why don’t you go buy Thomas Cleary’s interpretation of the Qur’an and read it. Nobody is trying to jump you into Islam. Just read it so that you can have a fair view of what the book offers for Muslims and non-Muslims alike. After all, it is the most recited and most memorized, if not the most popular book, in the world.
All “holy” books [Bible, Qur’an, Book of Mormon etc are, to quote Jesse Ventura, for weak minded individuals who seek safety in numbers. More people have been killed in the name of organized religion than for any other reason. It is a means of mind control and a management tool, nothing more.
@to joe317 and Tina;one day you will wish you hadn’t said that, when you find out He was right there carrying your weight,every single moment of your Life..
@EDDD And one day you will realize what a sanctimonious d-bag you are to presume to know the future.
I pray for you and hope God will be mericiful to you as you owe him everything, your life etc……..
It seems you mention “a” god and all the inane bible thumpers come out. The “god” of the”old testament is a selfish vain nasty judge demanding his pound of flesh. And that be he made with Lucifer on Job was just plain nasty. Good thing the Bible is fiction.
Actually, he owes his mom and dad everything. His life, etc.
Now Rob….understand….I was a much younger GOD back then. Since then I grew up, had a son, and learned to be loving father. Well, almost. After all, I did have Him nailed to a cross. My bad.
GOD
Want to hear a joke? Interpreting religion literally. Another? The Bible. Use religion to make your self a better person in this world, not prepare for the unknown.
including an evil ex wife and a small penis…gee thanks God.
I need all your money Steve. Don’t bother thinking, just send it along now. Chop chop, I’ve got many more sheep to fleece today…
@Steve, I just threw up a little after reading that.
And you owe your life to Zeus…repent!
you mean Thor, didn’t you!
@RodBinNC…Actually it’s all the crazy atheists who come out at the mention of God. Just read this page or go to the BeliefNet blog.
Wow, did people take this seriously. And the joking comments, too. People just honestly enjoy getting pissed off about religion, I guess. There is no other explanation for this kind of reaction to something so silly an harmless. Come on, guys (everyone). Get over yourselves.
Are you sure you killed Him? I mean, all of us are going to bow down to Him when all is said and done so I’m just wondering if you know what you’re talking about.
I don’t think so. It must have been one of my stand-ins ( I hope it was Pat Robertson)
GOD
I am saddened by the ignorance of so many and saddened by the “God Damnation” that is presented here. If you think God is an individual that needs you to worship him, bow down to her, or appeases them then you do not know God.
how could you possibly know that for a fact? did someone who died tell that is what happens?
God didn’t write the bible….the book itself was written 200 years AFTER “Jesus” died…..its been translated many times and in different ways.
@Steve Consilvio The contradictions are in the bible….everyone knows that stop lying to yourself and everyone else.
@Chris – first off, thanks for the post. Next, before you post on a subject you don’t know much about try not to be too menacing towards others and call them liars.
Now, in regards to why I believe you don’t know much about the bible, you said, “he book itself was written 200 years AFTER “Jesus” died…”
I would like to share the TRUE FACTS, based on history, regardless if you believe in God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit.
The Bible was written over a period of 1400 to 1800 years by more than 40 different authors. The Bible is a compilation of 66 separate books, divided into two primary divisions: the Old Testament (containing 39 books) and the New Testament (containing 27 books). The Book of the Revelation of Jesus Christ is believed to have been penned by the Apostle John between A.D. 70 – 95. This is the last book within the Holy Bible.
Also, God didn’t physically write the bible. That part is true. It is believed that all of the books of the Bible were written under inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Whether you believe it is up to you.
And in regards to more FACTS. The Dead Scrolls dismissed the idea that “so many translations in so many different ways means it CAN’T BE TRUE!!” Again, the Dead Sea Scrolls (again, go research these – in depth) proved that the meanings within the translation have NEVER CHANGED over the last 2000+ years.
In regards to the translations, here is where the confusion comes into play. I was the same way myself awhile back. If you’ve ever studied the Bible, in depth, you would know that there are many words translated from Greek into English. There aren’t always EXACT words that translate.
However, the Dead Sea Scrolls proved the meanings have never changed and for the most part, the translations either (you need a PhD and extensive research in Hebrew, Greek, and history to argue in this area, so since I don’t have one, I won’t argue either).
For example: The original Greek translation may say something like (and this is an example, not actually in the Bible that I know of) The white cloud. Once its translated into English it may change wording – slightly, into something like: the cloud is white.
In summary, until you know the Truth, don’t tell other people they are liars unless you can prove them otherwise. If you have anymore “amazing facts” to share with people, go edit Wikipedia or something.
The Dead Sea Scrolls are very interesting but were written by a group of Jewish scholars analyzing and systematizing earlier accounts much like English scholars creating the King James Bible. Their account’s a nice compliation but no more necessarily the Truth than the memoirs we’re discussing. Perhaps in 200 years another fellow will be insisting that these memoirs are the Truth.
And hey, if that gets them through their day…So long as they don’t try to force others to accept it.
Uh, Ken, you missed the part about “contradictions”, of which there are tons and tons. So, I’ll accept that all these translations remained fairly static, but that’s unfortunate because then all the contradictions remain. So sad.
You also don’t mention how christianity stole from other cultures, pagans, etc. Long before Christ, there were virgin births, people rising from the dead, performing miracles. These stories were just rewritten and stuffed in the bible.
Such a crock.
Sometimes i just hate these boards…..someone like Ken goes way overboard to administer a proper spanking to Chris for such a ridiculous post…..and REGERTZ & TWIDDLY respond with these pithy little posts, a tone of authority but clearly miss his point. DId either of you clowns want him to write a whole chapter to prove his point??
Well said, Ken. And sure, there’s contradictions in the Bible – it doesn’t really seem like loving thy neighbor if you have to isolate women who are having their periods simply for being biologically female and unable to help it, for instance. Different authors, different times = differences of opinion. Not all of us take the Bible literally, however. Leviticus might be my favorite chapter because it’s so hilarious to me. I do not believe God created a man named Adam and then took his rib and made a woman named Eve (I think of that as a parable). My own priest taught a class on the Book of Revelation and basically told his parishioners/students that the John who wrote it is probably *not* the apostle but someone else, and therefore it really shouldn’t be a part of the Bible. I understand that much of what’s in the Bible is basically equivalent to Greek mythology…that doesn’t mean I disregard the important big picture ideas – I celebrate them, I express my gratitude for what I have, I respect my planet and my fellow animals, I ask for strength, etc. Whether you call him Zeus, God, Allah, the Force, whatever – I believe something/someone is there and worth building a relationship with. And I’m not going to nitpick over a flawed manual written by flawed people and let it stand in my way. Now this is going to sound d*ckish but I honestly mean it sincerely: Peace be with you.
That’s true Chris. I didn’t write the bible. That was done by many of my believers over the years from about 900 BC to 400 AD. I’m sorry to say they didn’t always get it right. In fact, they were pretty ignorant, and they claimed I gave them fiat to do many things that I didn’t…slavery, homo-cide, and the like. So I sent my son, and they still got it all wrong. So I created scientists. Finally….someone is slowly getting it right.
GOD
Ken, the book of Revelations may be the ‘last’ book in the order that was set down at Nicea, but the Gospels were most likely written in the second century AD.
The rest of your post is an interesting exercise in apologesis, but cannot be sustained by historical, archeological, or literary fact.
lol,200 years after Jesus? Really? Your ignorance is hilarious yet offensive.
Sorry, the books of the New Testament were written after Jesus died, but the books of the Old Testament preceded Jesus, evidenced by the many times He referred to them.
@Ken
Before you go off acting like an uber-intellectual with a complete understanding of the bible, you should learn how to paraphrase what you take from websites.
http://www.allabouttruth.org/when-was-the-bible-written-faq.htm
As far as I’m concerned, plagiarizing a website is not a great way to spread the “truth” of God.
As for the religious argument here, deal with it. This is a satirical book, made for pleasure and possibly even education. Don’t go getting your religious and atheist knickers in a bunch before it’s even published.
All of you who are against God will face him one day, and that day is coming sooner then you all think. I pray that you find his love and mercy before its too late. Amanda ? you need help !! big time. The Oracle 8191 ? Thank you for being a wake up call, people will need him more then they will ever know. We all owe him our lives, and every knee will bow I promise that much I know and is true, May I ask when he comes and it happens what will you say then ? what will you do ? do you even know what it means to be ready, awaiting for God. Please dread with caution because your words will have consequences.
Dina, if He or She is that mean an sob, I’ve no intention of bowing and scraping to Her/Him. So you grovel to your God because you fear Its wrath? Doesn’t sound like God you’re worshipping to me.
You’ll face me too Dina. My commandments were ment for YOU to keep, not for you to beat your neighbor about the head with.
GOD
I say “Yeah!!” for Ken. The Bible is the book of God the Father, Creator of this universe and of YOU sharing this board. I sincerely pray that He will extend extra mercy to those who don’t believe, that you may open your hearts to His word and His love and become a saved child of His as are some of the other posters on this board. Ignorance cannot be blamed for a lack of belief. The Word of God is readily available to all who seek it & Him.
“Love and mercy,” huh?
My husband and I are agnostic and living a decent life. We own a home and have one healthy child with another on the way.
My grandmother was a devout Catholic who prayed the rosary every day and often cooked for her priest until senile dementia made her forget how. She’s in her early 90s, really can’t do anything for herself, doesn’t recognize her children or grandchildren, and suffers mini-strokes every few weeks because apparently your “god” won’t take mercy and end her suffering. I’m quite confident that if the god you believed in existed, she wouldn’t be dying a slow, painful death as I type this.
My sister-in-law works for her church and she and her husband are heavily involved in youth ministry. They are probably the most religious people I know. They struggled for years to have a baby, and when they finally conceived, the child had such severe deformities that he died an hour after birth.
Please tell me what good following a dogma does anyone? Seems like the “good Christians” I know get $h1t on.
But like Dracula he keeps coming back.
You’re an idiot.
Not Possible – god never existed.
Nietzsche killed her over a hundred years ago.
Awww, Mandy Wandy needs a hug…
Awww, huggy Mandy?
what a utterly stupid remark, not one but a million times a million Amandas like you could ever make a mark on the sole of His feet!
And he’s back (and dating Lucy, DOTD).
DJ Jesus, you rocked Burning Man!
^ ^ This. Why did that show go away.
Thank you, Man. I still have some of the chandle/art instilation/DJ booth if you want it. Still smells like carmel apple.
I just hope the book is as amusing as the release…
I agree with TQB. This article had me laughing out loud! Will the book be that good?
I AM SORRY. I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS POST AT ALL. I am really confused. Who wrote this book and what is it about? I have re-read the article several times and I feel like I am not “in” on the joke. Is someone writing under the pen name “God”? And what is this book about? I am just really confused. And mocking God is a horrible thing to do. These people should be ashamed of themselves.
@Jascey: Ashamed for what? Mocking a religions diety? Yet you turn around and the self same religion mocks every other religions dieties, because they are “Right” and the other religions are “Wrong.” Seems to me like they need a little mocking…
Is it just me, or was his last book waaaaaaay self-important and plodding?
good one, alm034!
UGH! agreed! it was all “me me me!” even the parts about his son, he still managed to focus all the attention on himself.
Too funny.
And does Mary (wife of Joe) or Mary Magdalene get a mention…I bet not.
But I hear God’s original notes are being released by Wikileaks and did He dish the real dirt there. Corrupt arms deals with Israelites, mass murder of resident populations, demands for human sacrifices (with sadistically wacko reprieves…”Only kidding,Abe”), a running eternal racket with his number two, Lucifer, taking the heat as fall guy for all evil deeds after a blatantly phony attempted “coup”…
It’s just self-important you.
You’re right, Howard. But then, you always are, aren’t you?
It’s not the least bit important to me.
Yeah….my bad. This next one won’t be so self important.
GOD
I actually think this is pretty blasphemous, and I wouldn’t mess around writing a title like that. I don’t say that just to be contrary, but there are some things that I think are off limits, and mocking God is one of them.
I’m with you on this one. There are just some things that are off limits, and God is one of them.
Which one?
LMAO Zeus!
lol. Oh, William.
You suck.
Mocking god is off limits? This is the problem with religious people.
There is no problem with religious people, you who are not all want to do things and be “free” live your lives and have no consequences for them……… its not going to happen get off of your high horse moron, and open your eyes!!!!!!! God is off limits, I hope someday you will come to find out how much you will need him and it will be in s time of grieve and sorrow. May the lord our God bless you and keep you safe because phil ? you need him.
I don’t need a fairy god father.
Bah, you are generalizing. I am a religious person, and I thought this was funny. I am one of those that believe God wouldn’t have gifted us with a sense of humor if he didn’t want us to explore it.
I’m pretty sure he can handle some jokes and satire.
You’re right Dina; Every blasphemer who dis agrees with you needs to get off their high horse moron. You hit the nail on the head in saying I’ll need God if I ever experience grief or sorrow – luckily I have managed to live 38 years without either thus far. Without God as well.
I really hope God can take a joke. If Heaven was as stiff and serious as a board meeting, I’d seriously consider moving south to a warmer climate.
Mocking God Should Be Off Limits = The Taliban have that rule and it works amazingly well to suppress those that tend to disagree with them. Having a strict religious code ( The Puritans) and prosecuting anyone that says otherwise ( Witch burning ) is not always popular with “Freedom Loving Americans”. Just my two cents on Blasphemy laws. Iran and Pakistan have them. You may consider moving.
He can take it. Problem is, he can also dish it out.
^is best post in thread.
Amen.
Mocking god is only off limits if you actually believe in the imaginary friend for grown-ups. I realize many do believe, but please keep your scolding tone to yourself when commenting. Not everyone believes what you do.
Except you are disrespecting people when you disrespect their beliefs.
Sounds like a false equivalence there, reader. People =/= beliefs. Now as Pittsburgh Steelers fan, I may be offended that other people do not recognize the greatness of the Steel Curtain, and mock my team by cheering for others. However, it’s their right in a free society to pick a team of their own choosing and, thanks to free speech, they are free to mock my team as well.
disrespecting beliefs disrespecting people.
I respect my mother tremendously. I don’t however respect her belief that John Edwards actually has some magical conduit to talk to dead people.
I respect you and the Steel Curtain, Blak Thunder. And Troy Polamolu and his hair.
You are so right and depending on which god you mock, you could be stoned to death. No matter which god you choose to worship, you are going to ___off some other diety.
What?!? Do you thin I AM without a sense of humour? Don’t you know I invented humour?
GOD
God is a real idiot.
I suggest to all of you mocking God here to print out the page of your comments and put it someplace safe to keep for the future. Then sometime 20, 30, or 60 years from now pull it out and read again… Read it when your spouse cheats on you, when your parents die, when your child is in the hospital, when death is looking in your eyes. Just keep it, please, do it.
I am really surprised how many people here do lack simple humbleness. Life is fragile, it lasts only a moment in a face of universe. And you think you are gods…
Humbleness is not a word. Humility is.
So are you saying that if we mock God he delivers pain and suffering to us? I thought the Bible says he doesn’t do that!
Or are you saying that if we belive he will deliver us from all those things you mantions… Reality check, they’ll happen anyways!
Though it does sound interesting, I would honestly feel kind of uncomfortable reading it. A little too blasphemous for me.
jesus!
Is not here right now but if you’d like to leave a message he’ll get back to you as soon as possible…
Sorry I’m late… I was hung up on something. What did I miss?
I agree. I guess the intent of this was to be funny, but to me it’s just awkward and uncomfortable. To each his own and freedom of speech, I suppose…all I know is I won’t be reading it.
I meant to reply/agree with William. Whoops.
maybe you should stop commenting if it makes you feel too uncomfortable.
What? You don’t think I can write a book?
So Oprah’s finally writing her autobiography?
boo yah! i call her oprah christ bc she has such a god complex….
Yes, I would also feel uncomfortable reading this because I would know that God was watching me read a book with jokes about him and then he would send me to hell. Also, I am five years old.
haha brilliant comment
That doesn’t stop you from masterbating Peter. Just cause the lights are out and the sheets are pulled over your chest doesn’t mean I can’t see what you’re doing.
GOD
Sorry….I was looking at your future. My bad.
I think I’ll wait for the movie.
As long as they get James Mason to play God.
“Jeezy Creezy, what on earth is that!?” Lol.
It would have to be Sam Neill now.
I thought I would play myself, even if my acting isn’t perfect….oops! Did I sauy that out loud?
Holy Ghost this isn’t an episode of scooby doo.
The dinosaurs were bad enough. And don’t call me Jeezy Creezy.
just watch religulous!
It’s just weird to see that Americans still believe in God as some sort of punisher. Weird.
Have you ever gone to church or read the bible? Apparently, that is all he does.
oh god
Yes, and it saddens me that there are actually people who believe that stuff.
The more I read, the more ridiculous it seems.
i totally agree!
John: You could have ended your sentence after the word “God.” That would have worked for me.
exactly! how can people still believe?
God loves us all John but just like we punish our children when they’re bad, he has to punish us for the things we’ve done against Him.
My friend lost his wife and 3 children to the Indonesian tsunami. His youngest son was 3 months old. I wonder what kind of hateful crime he ever committed…
Like what? Surviving the world your God supposedly made? Bullcrap and the nonsense many a vicious dictator or oppressor has used to justify his or her actions.
And surprise, I’m a believer in God. Just not the vicious, petty cartoon maniac you use to prop up your attempts to control your fellow man and woman.
Next time my kids act up I am giving them a solid week of Armageddon. That’ll teach em.
You really think that? Would you shove your child in a microwave for being bad? Personally, I think you all punish yourselves far more than I need to with all of your guilt.
GOD
What world are you living in? Yahweh’s genocidal acts make Hitler’s seem like child’s play (that is, granting any of those acts ever even happened in the first place, which actually didn’t except for in print). You can’t simply undo what has already been done simply because it is “today”.
It is because most people do not read the bible. I have read the bible cover to cover and I have found out God of the bible offers two choices life or death. A person is free to pick life or death. If you choose death when you die it will be your end and that is it. You will know nothing, feel nothing it is just like you have never existed. The bible states that ” the wages of sins is death and once you die your aquicted for your sins”. On the other hand if you choose life and you die before the end of this system of things, you will be resurected to life on this very planet we come to love because this is God’s original purpose and this is the very reason he had created man. The bible is the most facinating book I have ever read and I continue to read daily.
What about cake or death? Cake, please.
actually death chooses us all whether we like it or not. I just hope to live a happy fun life until that day comes. And I am doing it on my own.
Exactly…you poor thing…you belong to a death cult.
He is a She. And God didn’t write the Bible. Pent up monks did.
and these monks lived 1000s of years after the events of jesus supposedly even took place!
he occasionally writes books but he doesn’t produce films.
For god’s sake, it’s only the bible,
it’s not gospel!
“thats what she said”
Just what we need another work of fiction released just in time to start stirring up the 2012 end of days paranoia
you are so right! good call!