Rock music has produced its fair share of deathless poetry — precious little of which features in Crap Lyrics, a book by British writer Johnny Sharp. As the tome’s title suggests, Crap Lyrics finds Sharp humorously taking apart various songs for their lyrical inadequacies. Thus, Culture Club’s “The War Song” (Sample lyric: “War, war is stupid/And people are stupid/And love means nothing in some strange quarters”) is rightly hailed by Sharp as “political pop boiled down to its supremely banal bones.” He also derides The Police’s Lolita-referencing “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” as a song that betrays Sting’s “utter determination to tell the world that he has read some clever books.” And he predictably, but no less winningly, takes Jennifer Lopez to task for “Jenny From the Block.”
I’m going to take exception to some of his choices. Yes, Bob Dylan’s co-penned “Hurricane” contains possibly rock’s most tortured rhyme (“We’re gonna put his a– in stir/We’re going to pin this triple mur…/…der on him, he ain’t no gentleman Jim!”). But no one’s going to convince me that there’s much wrong with his “Ballad of A Thin Man.” Critiquing “Ebony and Ivory,” meanwhile, just seems overly mean-spirited, even by this book’s standards. (It should also be noted that this is a very U.K.-oriented work which covers egregious numbers by such fairly-unknown-here artists as PJ & Duncan and The Fall.)
Remind yourself of both “The War Song” and “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” below, and tell us if you agree with Sharp’s assessment. Or weigh in with your own favorite “crap” lyrics!
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“Can you imagine your love, pride, deep fried chicken…”
dead on
The lyrics are actually “can you imagine NO love, pride, deep fried chicken” meaning can you imagine your life without them.
I stand corrected. But I stand by the crappiness assessment.
When I first heard that song, I thought “Did he just say deep fried chicken?” I thought I was hearing things. As for imaging life without it, that depends. I can live without KFC, but I can’t live without my mother’s fried chicken. It’s a childhood thing.
Oh, good God, yes. The guys from Train are some of the worst lyricists ever to disgrace the sound waves.
Amen to that. “Calling All Angels” has the most “trite-trying-to-be-deep” lyrics I’ve ever heard, next to “Somebody’s Gotta Do Somethin’” from Saving Sarah Marshal – and THAT was a joke.
Has to be “like a child misses his blankie” by Fergie.
That and EVERYTHING by the Black Eyed Peas. “Boom boom pow”?
My hump, my hump, my lady lumps?
Rap and rock and blues are rife with onomatopoeia and weird grunts. Are you going to deride John Lee Hooker for “A-how how how how”?
“And when you hate you’re bound to get irate.” The first time I heard that I actually burst out laughing!
It’s even worse! “like a child misses THEIR blankie,” The horror of the bad grammar adds to the egregiousness.
Yes, bad grammer in pop songs is something to get worked up over.
You would prefer “like a child misses his or her blankie?”
Sometimes you have to take some artistic liberties with grammar. Conveying an emotion > proper grammar in pop songs. It always struck me as a silly line but it clearly struck a cord with her and everyone else who liked that song.
What can I say? For me, poor grammar = stupidity. I guess I’m alone in this.
You are not alone.
Know. Ewe is knot alone. or is it Ewe Be knot alone? i’ve never mastered the subjunctive.
At the risk of annoying you, you are SO not alone.
But that doesn’t mean you’re not anal
It’s actually “blanket” not “blankie”, not that it makes the lyric much better.
“their” is an appropriate gender-neutral substitute for “his or her” since we’ve never been able to create a singular gender neutral pronoun.
it would have been perfectly acceptable for fergie to say, “and i’m gonna miss you like a child misses her blanket,” since she is talking about herself in the first part of the sentence.
“Their” is a plural form, and “a child” is singular. While there is no appropriate gender neutral substitute in almost any language, other languages automatically assign “he” or “his” to stand in. That lyric always bothered me anyway. Also, any song that uses the phrase “between you and I.” It’s just bad grammar.
Fergie, Black Eyed Peas: All of it! Especially “My Humps, my lovely lady lumps” Aaaaaarrgggghhh.
Sorry, didn’t see you posted this already! LOL It is fun to do a dramatic reading of this song, though. Try it some time!
I am NOT a fan, but in its defence the song is meant to be stupid, near inane “fun”. I think there’s a difference to silly lyrics, and lyrics that seem intended to be deep and clever but aren’t
I have to agree with EricMontreal22, that we ought to separate the songs that are obviously meant to be nothing more than dumb fun from those that intend to be profound but miss the mark by a mile.
Seriously, worst line ever. I can’t listen to it because of how stupid that line is
LeslieSC, we are soulmates. I pretty much vomited every time I heard that line. Definitely some awful lyrics.
Oh, and Fergie didn’t even say “Like a child misses his blanked” – she used the grammatically incorrect “like a child misses THEIR blanket.” It makes me shudder whenever I hear it.
I get a thousand hugs/From ten thousand lightning bugs/As they tried to teach me how to dance.
Poetry. Pure crappy poetry.
I thought it was 10 million lightning bugs…even creepier! More random than crappy, maybe. Also, I cannot get that song out of my head.
i like that song!
I think some of those bugs got lodged up more than a few people’s rear ends.
that’s electronic music. it’s not supposed to be sane.
it’s also a rip off of The Postal Services sound, but at least their lyrics aren’t crap.
hahaha. That was the first song I thought of when I read this post. But I didn’t have the balls to post it for fear of serious backlash. Glad to know others agree.
“I get a thousand hugs from TEN THOUSAND lightning bugs.”
Dude, 90% of them hate you!
Yet I sort of love the song.
I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt-so sexy it huuuurts……
musical brilliance!!!
Nowhere near as bad as “She thinks my tractors sexy”. Sorry, but a 5 year old could have written those lyrics.
Good one. I don’t know many of the actual lyrics, but all of those good ol’ boy hillbilly songs (referencing farmer tans, Fords, tractors, dead dogs, etc.) make me want to puke.
No one seems to understand that song is an intentional joke.
That does not take away from the fact that that song sucks, on all counts.
This fits into the intentionally inane and superficial category. I feel sure “I’m Too Sexy” wasn’t meant as profundity.
A lovely, lovely song!
I’m too sexy for my cat. What you think about that?
“It’s not right, It’s not fair, what you’re missing over there…” really Faith Hill…really?
Will — you and I must have been separated at birth! I posted about the same song, in similar tone, no less, before reading your comment. That just proves how BAD this song really is.
hello… invoke the 80’s hairspray movement!!!
“Bang, bang, what’s that sound, I gave you my love and you shot me down”
Anything that has come out of any of the Black Eyed Peas’ mouths. Ever.
You’re telling me you don’t find the lyrics “whatcha gon do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk?” truly insightful?
Wowzers, your sarcasm makes me giggle.
My Humps was the first song that came to mind when I read the title of Crap Lyrics
same here… “my lovely lady lumps” and Fergie’s solo “like a child misses their blankie” makes me cringe every time.
me too!
You can your unborn children in her eyes: Bryan Adams
I’m very you, you’re very me. If I’m a violin, you’re Yuhudi, Punch and Judy! Don Black for Andrew Lloyd Webber
where is this from????
That song is “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman” from Don Juan De Marco. Ohya, it was his last #1 song.
That is a horrific line from Bryan Adams…the song was awful.
I love that Bryan Adams song. Sorry. I do!
I love that song too, and I especially love that line. Call me a sap. What can I say?
It schlocky and terrible but I love it, too.
So you actually have really really really REALLY really loved a woman?
love bryan adams and that song sorry.
Yeah, that lyric *gets* me every time :S
huh Brian Adams says “Don Black for Andrew Lloyd Webber”????
It’s two different songs. The Bryan Adams one and “I’m Very You” from Song and Dance, an Andrew Lloyd Webber song with lyrics by Don Black
Oh God! I thought I was the only one that hated that line from Bryan Adams. I’m a romantic and all but if a guy ever said “I can see the unborn children in eyes” I would puke! Is there really a guy that would think that, let alone say it?
“I wanna drown in your love, lead me to your water. Let it flow, just let it flow, baby.” NSYNC, classic
“T to the A to the S T E Y/Girl You tasty” (may I point out the obvious spelling error here)
Actually all of Fergilicious is terrible.
That line always drives me crazy! The song is completely ridiculous, but when I hear him spell tasty wrong, I lose it.
Thank you for pointing that out! I cringe every time i hear that word spelled incorrectly! i mean, she can spell glamorous right, but they can’t spell tasty?! what the heck! lol not to mention the fact that fergie has to prove she can “spell” in practically every song!
Um, she calls herself the DuTchess. All my HS English students now cannot spell duchess correctly to save their lives.
While we’re on NSYNC, I’m surprised nobody has mentioned “Digital Get-Down”….. “We can get together naturally, or get-ta get-ta get-together on the digital screen”. Uhhhhhhh.
Oh dear heavens that song!!! I remember listening to that when I was like 12 and turning the volume way down so my parents wouldnt hear.
i was a closet nsync fan in college, but i still CAN’T STAND the song “i need love” from their first u.s. album… thank goodness they never released it as a single. “i need love, you need love, we all really need love!”
“Are we human or are we dancer?”
Everytime I hear the Killers song I scratch my head.
Hunter S. Thompson is rolling in his grave, again!
I’m pretty sure it’s denser.
It’s f**king dancer, this argument has been put to rest for months.
No, I think he means the meaning of “are we dancer” DENSER than just saying “or are we dancer”…as in what does that mean…….dense…..??? Or am I lost?
On the band’s official website, the biography section states that Flowers is singing “Are we human, or are we dancer?” and also says that the lyrics were inspired by a disparaging comment made by Hunter S. Thompson, where he stated America was raising “a generation of dancers”.
I like it. It assigns a greater meaning to “dancer.” If it was dancers, it would just mean people who dance. In this context, the word seems elevated to a state of being and leaves the song open to interpretation. If nothing else, it got people’s attention. Funny how the omission of 1 letter can lead to so many diatribes.
lmao…It’s actually “Are we human or are we denser?”
No, actually it is dancer, question about that lyric was laid to rest long ago
At their shows they sell t-shirts with the lyric on it and it is “dancer.” It’s not even open to interpretation. I love The Killers but I do have to admit that their lyrics tend to be nonsensical.
ITA – terrible lyrics. The fact that it’s played every ten minutes doesn’t help. Also hate “and he doesn’t look a thing like Jesus…”
Why because it mentions “Jesus” whatever!!! I have a cousin named Jesus, maybe they’re talking about someone they know
I don’t like having to choose between “Human” or “Dancer” are those the only categories we get? Can we be cross categorized?
I can’t think of an example of the top of my head, but a personal pet peeve of mine is lyrics that are not grammatically correct even if the rhythm/beat/count of the music allows for proper grammar.
Strange I know.
country music is particularly guilty of this. Drives me crazy!
Honkey Tonk Bondockodock? Country at it’s finest!
I don’t argue that it’s the worst thing in country, but I was always very annoyed by, “coyote’s howling on the prairie…first comes love, then comes marriage.” Huh? What do those two things have to do with each other?
There’s a Brad Paisley song that has the dumbest lyrics: “I’d like to see you out in the moonlight,
I’d like to kiss you way back in the sticks, I’d like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and I’d like to check you for ticks.” Seriously!?
The thing about Paisley is that a lot of his songs are very tongue-in-cheek.Even he knows that song is ridiculous and it’s kinda the point. =)
Omg Jess are you serious about those lyrics? I don’t listen to Brad Paisley (or any country music for that matter) and I’m so glad I don’t!
Do you people have NO sense of humor? Listen to the whole song…it’s supposed to be FUNNY!
I think it’s Honkey Tonk Badonkeydonk
If you live in the country, you do have to periodically check your loved ones for ticks at certain times of the year.
Oh my god, I love that Brad Paisely song! It’s so cute. I would let him check me for ticks anytime.
Paul Anka’s “Having My Baby”. Makes me want to puke even thinking of it. And sad to add – Steven Tylers’s “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”. Could it be any more whiny or emasculating? God awful both ot them!!
Bwah!!! OMG, thanks for mentioning “Havin’ My Baby” — laughably awful!
Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” was written by Diane Warren for Celine Dion — hence its whine and Velveeta character.
A lot of that whine came courtesy of Steven Tyler’s vocal delivery. He did that shrill upnote at the end of. Every. Single. Line. I don’t think it was built in to the melody, I think that was his interpretation.
Re Ali: Spot. On.
The fact that Aerosmith recorded a song originally written for Celine Dion takes them off my rock legends list. Or even my semi-cool list. Am I the only one who sees this???
“This s&%t is bananas — B A N A N A S!” — Gwen Stefani.
Oh, and I know this one isn’t exactly what the blogger had in mind, but for me it’s anything from Taylor Swift’s “I’m better than your girlfriend, so dump her and choose me” songs. That girl’s going to make a great homewrecker some day!
that whole song is so stupid. and really? who releases a song when you have to BLEEP out sh*t out of EVERY line? i once heard it described very accurately as “a 5 year old with tourette’s”
My grandpa (who is 70) said Taylor Swift was gonna release a greatest hits album and it would just be the same song on repeat!
haha! The other day I was listening to one of her songs and had the same realization that all her songs sound the same. Maybe Kanye was right..lol!
Your grandpa rocks! Is he single?!!
“Go out and smash it, like oh my god.” This line from the Black Eyed Peas is so stupid my brain explodes from stupid everytime I hear it.
There is no such thing as a quality line from that song. It’s awful start to finish.
Thank you! that song sucks so bad! i hate the part where fergie says “la hiem”! its annoying (sorry about the spelling)
“My hands are small, I know /
But they’re not yours, they are my own” – Jewel
And that other hideous song of hers about eating breakfast… Making smiley faces in her eggs and putting on her PJs or some such nonsense.
Do you even know what these songs are about…probably not….because nobody listens to what songs are about anymore…all you people care about are beats…and thats why crap like 3 is number 1 on the charts
The ‘breakfast song’ is “You were Meant for Me”, and it is a lovely, sad song. However, “Hands” I thought was godawful and marked the beginning of the end of my liking of Jewel’s music.
I always remembered this lyric from that song “I brush my teeth and put the cap back on”.
Jewel makes me gag — after reading an article with her and all the other female singer/songwriters that were a part of “Lilith Fair” years ago, she came off like a total snob. So full of herself! Glad to see her lyrics get blasted here.
Everything Jewel writes is grade-school level girl-with-a-crush-and-a-thesaurus crap. She rhymes “on” with “on”. Wow, how DEEP!!
Aw! What’s wrong with “Hands?” I love that song!
Me, too…I am shocked to see it on a list like this, lol. I think it’s quite beautiful.
Who cares about Jewel’s lyrics, I just like looking at her huge warlocks when she was in the video and was sprayed by the firehose